Thursday, January 12, 2012

Live and let olive

 So a group of olives were playing football in the street. One olive went deep for a long pass and got hit by a car. His buddy ran over to him and asked "are you okay?" He replied ol-live.  from Christin Schmidt

For Dad

Ole is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"Dat's it," he tells Lena. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad dat once I hit da ball I couldn't see vere it vent."

Lena sympathizes and gets him a shot of aquavit. As they sit down she says, "Vhy don't you take my brother Sven wit you and give it one more try."

"Dat's no good" sighs Ole, "your brother's a hundred and tree. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says Lena, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Ole heads off to the golf course with 103 year old Sven. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to Sven and says, "Did you see da ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied Sven. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Vhere did it go?" says Ole.

"I don't remember."

Piano vs Clarinet

Sven’s down at the feed store and runs across Ole. 

Sven says, "Ole, good to see you! How’ve you been?” 

“Fine.” 

“And what about your wife, I haven’t seen her in awhile. How’s she doing, Ole?” 

“Fine.” 

Sven says, “I heard you bought her a piano, didn’t you? That must be real fine. How’d she like it?” 

Ole answers, “Fine. But I sold the piano and bought a clarinet.” 

“A clarinet? Why would you give her a clarinet instead of a piano?” 

Ole glares at Sven a bit, then says, “Because with a clarinet, she can’t sing!”  from Gail Parker

Wine & Women

Ahusband and wife were sitting on the front porch, enjoying a moment of peace at the end of a long day. The woman took a sip of her wine and said, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you." Her husband looked at her and asked, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replied, "It's me . . . talking to the wine."  from Gail Parker

Packer Joke

A Vikings fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a joke about Packer fans?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Packer fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Packer fan, and the guy sitting next ot him is 6'5" 280 pounds and he's a Packer  fan too.

Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Viking fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."  from Wendy Bitner